So the start of the new year.  I know that this last one was a bit rough, not just for me and others, however i have to say this has been a year that i have had to fight longer to keep the motivation going forward.

I know that its the chemicals in the mind are a part of that, and i know that there are times that i will not have much control of this at times, however its the steps forward that make us whom we are.  So as the second day of the year i will say
1) respect is a double sided road to be traveled, you civil with me, and i am with you.  no one is ever more esteemed then another when work needs to be done.
2)the instructional power points will be going up before 12th night so be on the look out (going to try to get this up by weekly if not monthly depends on real life working

3) will be taking a internal journey, at one point a grand friend once told me “the next steps you take will be more spiritual then work.”  and i know ive stumbled but that time is over, i will be asking many for clarifications, and there maybe some assistance asked.

World has it splendors it is time to see how i can add more to it.  Look forward to more such things

as always service to the dream

Conall

Trying to give this a little bit of a shot cuz I’m not to really sure how this is going to go this will be the last entry I will make for the year and I would say things have progressed did pretty well. Ended up working well with my therapist and gotten some nice needed responses and some wonderful support along the way and now when I’m looking for the most to actually go ahead and do is get better acquainted with my community help promote within my reach in and you know go from there. I’m really hoping next year and some more positive than it did on this previous year there are a lot of highs and equally about doing a lot of lows it’s hard to really say exactly how things going to interact especially with the chemical imbalances that I have to deal with however at the same time frame the positive attitudes I get from those that work with me as well as my own pure and other people I find it incredible shots to the arm.
A friend once told me that there’s a lot of good that can actually happen within the sca. And I feel that he is absolutely right do to the people that we meet the knowledge that we gain and how we share the knowledge to other people that might want to learn we grow within ourselves. I also see that at the same time frame that there’s a lot of real-world mechanisms that actually take place in it as well we can look past our blinders.

 Life is for me it’s like a splendor as well as it can also be a challenge and maybe so different ways. This will be another of those lessons that will continue on to the next year and hopes that more wonders could be achieved more excitement and mower realization exactly what life can be.

 Love and light to all blessings for the new year may we take our sorrows and may we take our pride with equal humidity and may we all find what we are looking for in the coming year.

Getting feedback on what I have been working on is a wonderful thing, for me the timing can play with my complex mix of emotion and self doubt, and all things in between.  hearing just a Thank you, on a name or submission i research, hearing a Thank you for the quick turn around for a scribe is often rewarding.

Being the Pocket herald, go to herald, these have prize meanings for me, that means to me, that when the chips fall, and you are struggling to complete a project and one of your ‘avenues’ is to reach out to me, I find what you are looking for, turn around and deliver in a timeful manner. (and to me and me alone this means litterly 15 min or less unless real world is being to much.  to record I strive in achieving my own personal time), with that said.

I try never to forget the people that got me into a position i see myself today, i will never forget the push when needed, the helping hand when offered, and the support to help me reach my goals.  Often i have seen where people need help to achieve a goal, and when that goal is achieved, the support around them changes.  Now what do I mean by that?

The higher one gets in life (not just the dream but in all manners in life) you see those that people seek assistance from those to help them and when they get to a level, those below them change, to either a more selective group or kliq, and those that assisted often get left behind.

FOR THE RECORD. i am not singling out anyone, this has been seen in majority factors in life, hell look at your state capitol, and im sure you see it there.

So, why do I bring this up?  Well good question.  Yesterday the society has put out its anti bully, and harassment finding.  I …. am…. Mixed about this.  not in bad ways at all, all positive.  However the mix comes from, as a society that prides itself in Chivalry, honor, respect.  Actually needs a harassment, and bullying.  I mean i know when your going to have groups of like minded individuals together I am certain some opinions would be stronger then others.

However, I would think that in a society for which we play in, that the idea of harassment (i know it happens all the time) but more so bullying being a issue that needs to be addressed.

I have in the beginning felt the stairs and scowls (whether there or not.  I speak from stories and my own vibe picking) of why i should be in the dream.  and then i showed hard what i can i do.  I think i have done well thus far.  however that being what it is, i have heard stories of who you know is as important if not more so then what you can do and what you know.

who has not heard “Heaven forbid you ever get on (insert said individual name of your choice here) bad side.  You will have to work years harder for what could others be.”  Now, things will change depending on the situation.  and this happens across all spectrum in and out of the dream.  I have to ask why?  we all have seats at the table.  We can all contribute to make our community, and society a better place for all, regardless of your ‘feeling’ of an individual.  we are all not likable, and im sure shyness at times pulls up a vibe or two.   However given a chance i would think some one who researches hard, and arts, maybe a couple of other things.  Does the same or if not more, of someone who straps on armor, their fencing kit, archery kit, thrown weapons gear.  and if they dont ‘fit’ in.  well all i can say is they might have a discussion find out.

and i challenge this before you laugh at someones attempt at garb, find out if there is a financial, time, experience, find out if they need help learning? or could learn how others did theirs and their by improve their appearance.

if someones armor kit is not up to scratch but meets standard approvals.  instead of thanking him for having “worse” armor then you.  see if there is something the group can do “like armor days” and the like to teach and help.

I say everyone that we reject or chase away could be the peer of tomorrow and this makes me sad to learn someone doesn’t play because they didn’t feel like they fit in

(disclaimer, these are my own personal thoughts and feelings, and have no attachment to any local group, kingdom, or the society as a whole.  if there must be slings and arrows aim them direct at me)

Yesterday beginning was rewarding, the trick will be that the fact the amount of data to gather will be enormous, then there will be getting all the standard size and even redoing several to make it all standard.  Now, the question is what to do with the arms people use that are not registered.  Well as our system it is not a requirement there by anyone can use whatever it is they so desire.  Registration through the college is a tricky business I understand well.  Well, curious on the project yet?  Ahhh wait and see all things in good time.   And it will take time to flush this out.

Personally things are moving forward as time such, there are going to be good days, there will be not so good days, keep in mind that in this I will work alone.  Why? Cause I have to.  But that will not hinder the dream, they are two separate things.

Life is what we make it, it is also what is made for us.  You can argue that point from your own perspective it never changes the fact that for some the path is a bit easier, more flexible, you can rob peter to pay paul.  In others its knuckle dragging, and how to cut costs to trim the fat.

Either way will persevere

Starting new projects always have me wondering many things at first, how to start, what is done what needs to be done, how to be the best to approach this.  Some projects are so large the concept of what I see in my head and what turns out to be the case seems a bit different all together.

So an idea begins to take shape, and finding the time to continue to work is also an issue for I know many see the issue of not enough hours in the day to work on what they need to plus on what they wish to.  The trick is management.

I have had to place an idea on hold while I took care of things for me, this has been a double edge sword, as where on one hand I find myself needing some “me time” and on the other hand I do not want to let down anyone that might find the idea a great thing.

So I learn best ways to balance my time, seek the breaks that I need, and progress as best I can

I love the dream, and I wish to give back what the dream gave to me.

They say a measure of a man is not the accomplishments that he makes, however more so the way he handles adversity.  Well I can say there are days and months and years that is no truer saying.

For the dream I love so much that I give myself to it in any way that I can, however that volunteer part can often come with some many real life struggles as well.  Rent, food, electric, cable, and any outstanding creditors also must maintain their lovely payments.  There is some that have told me directly that the economy is improving and im sure that it is, in many areas I can just fathom to think that is improving, the issue is that the cost of living based on the area you live is not meshing.

Now in some cases you can say that some people weep what we sew.  Granted, I will give you that one however let’s take out the student debt equation and concentrate on the bare bones part of this shall we?

Rents around the area for where I live for a 1 bedroom (regardless of efficiency or bigger) range from $1000 – $1700 [these are shown on rent.com search just for a 1 bedroom].  At the same time jobs such as the one I have as an engineering technician is about $1300 every two weeks.  (you may think that is not to bad totally affordable however that is before taxes), so let’s look at it after State, Fed, 401k, Social Sec, and what not get their share.  $970.  And that is below the margin set in for the apartment rent search.  This is not including, lights, food, and cable for just internet, oh and let’s not forget cell phone.

Now, why do I give all this background info?  Let’s just say for many friends that live the dream, I envy the fact that they can balance the funds to go to their favorite events Known World Heraldic and Scribal, and keep the lights on.  Now, a couple of friends say that they are able to do so barley because their partner helps financially (where they both work so the cost on bills is lesser and after which becomes easy to finance trips).  Or some have said that it boils down to location, location, location.  Ok I see the point there, however what if you like the location that you are currently living, well then you are a subject to how living is.

Mind you it might seem like I am on a rant and complaining, and in many ways you would be correct however, in this case as one that is doing all this on his own, trying to find the balance between the real life commitments and volunteer hours to the dram  I want to give can and often become a challenge in itself.

There is some many give and takes that are out there, I will continue to give all I can and then some, and I share this with you because I wish to share if I say “I need some time however I am continuing to work on it.”  There are often other forces at work and here they are.

Some days there are never enough spoons for what the day requires.  Those who are not familiar with the spoon theory read attached link below.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory

for me winter tends to bring a lower spoon count then most times, as I have aged there have been physical aches and pains and joint complaints, lately the mental collection also has dwindled.

So how does one stock pile what they need to accomplish all that is asked and still have enough to see through after the day?

A few ideas are tossing around at the moment, and where I am hopeful that on days I have plenty, can equal or outweigh the days I run dry.

Many of these personal logs will reflect the current mood and count and there will be many that will reflect all the warmth and good.

It is written that “Life is like the ocean.  It can be calm or still, and rough or rigid, but in the end, it is always beautiful.”  There is something in this, it Is a current learning curve but as one I will embrace, the shadows have been comfort let’s try the light.  I may not always succeed but I will try again and again.

This last year has been a discovery for me, in more than one sense of the mind.  Many things have boiled down within this last year and many times I loose purpose and there is a period of time that I lose the reason behind what I do.  However, it usually takes one thing to make it all the world wild.

I recalled when I dived in the deeper end of our community pool and started down my path.  Most of everything that I have ever done I had to discover myself.  Coding for the websites I maintain, to understand who was in the area so I may enter their entries, locating their wiki pages if they have them, construct their arms, working with people that have ideas to run.

There are little rewards in these things, there has never been asked for rewards, these are things that are done for the benefit of everyone.  When I see the grin as one finds out their submission was completed, when I see a comment on a post about the OP or anything the like I have done for our community, that to me gives me a glow of satisfaction.

Then I tend to think of that this was within the power for anyone to do all along.  The tools where there, however it was me that took the ball and ran with it.  And that makes the work feel wonderful.

There are times I just run out of gas, that I need a recharge, or there are some things that are making what I love to do difficult to approach.  And this is where the spiral begins.

For me it’s more than accomplishment, it is a sense of being needed, at times it is a great amount of effort to start a project and then maintain it, all of which is grand. However, when I slide even for logical reasons my subconscious takes it as a failure.  And this is not just with local things it’s even in private lives.

I took months to get into a routine that I do enjoy.  I get home, make dinner, work on a couple of projects, take a bath get ready for bed.  This past winter I have found more and more that my couch to be more comfortable than anything else, and then I become lazy.  This is good for a short term, however I have learned that pathways such is this become addictive and thereby make the things I wish to accomplish, not feel like there that big of importance.  Comfort and gazing out into nothing felt really good.

So, how do I go by changing that:

That is the biggest question cause once I have started down the dark path, forever it will consume my destiny….. (Bloody Yoda, ok, ok, your right)

I have found that I have to meet my own expectations, and ignore the expectations from anyone else with the exceptions of those I directly report to as one step in this.  I have found that at the moment I am the one tasked to take on such projects so there by it is my responsibility to undertake them and no one else’s.  (this one usually gives me a giggle because really with a few moments anyone else can take this stuff on and then what next) well what next is the fact that at the moment they are what I do so let’s do it well.  And the big one that is the hardest for me to lock in for there are always extra things out there trying to disrupt it.

Believe it or not however routine can be the key for some people, get into established plans that are very not wavering and for me at least gives everything their allotment of time and time to see a task through (or at least to a logical step to a period where you can step away for a few) and if anyone wishes to learn more about what it is that I do, I am happy to teach the tools, but until then it is my duty to undertake them.  I am happy to do so.

So now I work on setting up a schedule and learn about how to take outside influences and working toward finding ways to either “pencil” them in or get better at saying “not right now I have work I need to accomplish” That way I don’t feel overwhelmed and also at the same time there is a sense of accomplishment.

Will it work?  Stay tuned

There comes a time that you need to look at the dream vs real life commitment.  I would say I have hit this wall, no I am far from quitting for where I have many years to continue to serve our kingdom and dream, however I am finding that there are some responsibilities that I need to take care of at the home and hearth to make sure that when I work and live in the dream my home life is stable and strong.

Tis a good thing that my position is a work from home, for I love doing this, and will continue to serve as I can.  And that is what is bringing me to thought this day.

Many times that we look at our dream, we have to gauge just the depth that we can commit to it.  Many I have seen can go full bore with little or no thought of what is happening when they return home.  That is not wrong but that is their choice.  If they can make it work then good for them.  Then there are some of us that have to do this on our own.

The real world is becoming the more fractured then the dream can be however there are responsibilities that have to be established in our service to the dream.

If anyone has seen a way to balance their wish and duty vs real world life, please I welcome the communication.

In Service forever to the dream (even from the background a bit more)

Conall